Menu
the 5 types of select baseball dads

The 5 Types of Select Baseball Dads — Which One Are You?

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s be honest: select baseball dads are a different breed.

You’ve either:

  • Spent $400 on a bat your kid still can’t hit with

  • Threatened to “have a word” with the coach

  • Or quietly Googled “how to throw a cutter” in the parking lot

You’ve done one. Maybe all three. So here it is: the official lineup of Select Baseball Dad Personalities, ranked, roasted, and ready for war.

1. ⚾ The Washed-Up Legend

“Back in my day, I hit .487 and threw 92—before Tommy John.”

This dad peaked in high school and has been slowly trying to re-live the glory ever since. Every story starts with “When I played…” and ends with an imaginary scholarship that was this close.

Still wears his old high school ring. May or may not refer to his garage as “the cage.”

You might be this dad if:

  • You bring your own bucket of balls to practice just in case

  • You say things like “stay tall through the zone” at dinner

  • You “accidentally” took BP during your kid’s hitting lesson

Signature move: Casually showing videos of himself from 1998 to disinterested 11-year-olds.

2. 📊 The Tech Dad

“Launch angle is down 2.4 degrees. We need to talk.”

This dad owns a Rapsodo, a Pocket Radar, and four hitting apps. He talks in acronyms like he’s coaching in the bigs: EV, BA, OBP, SLG, BBQ. He’s in six Facebook gear groups and knows the drop weight of every bat released since 2016.

You might be this dad if:

  • You refer to your garage as a “development space”

  • You bring your own tripod to the cages

  • You tried to install HitTrax in the living room (and were promptly shut down)

Signature move: Shouting “It’s not the swing—it’s the sequencing!” after a groundout.

3. 😤 The Dugout Hawk

“I’m not yelling, I’m being motivational!”

This dad lives at the fence. Right behind it. He doesn’t just coach from the stands—he critiques pitch sequences, umpire zones, base-running decisions, and his own blood pressure.

The kids know to ignore him. The coaches try to. But the other parents? They’re all texting each other: “Is he serious right now?”

You might be this dad if:

  • You shout “That’s a balk!” at least once per game

  • You’ve mimed a swing while explaining a mistake to no one

  • You’ve called for a squeeze bunt. At 8U.

Signature move: Whispering “unbelievable” every time the coach doesn’t bunt in the 3rd inning.

4. 🛠️ The Gearhead

“It’s not about the swing—it’s the bat.”

This dad turns every gear purchase into a NASA-level research project. He’s got a Google Sheet tracking 17 bat reviews and has watched every “best youth glove” video on YouTube. His garage smells like leather, pine tar, and denial.

Also owns at least 3 gloves—for himself.

You might be this dad if:

  • You’ve debated knob taper styles with a stranger at DICK’S

  • You call it a “gamer” instead of a bat

  • You refer to your kid’s bag as a “loadout”

Signature move: Whispering “That’s a CatX Connect, nice…” to a 10-year-old on the opposing team.

5. 🧊 The Cooler Dad

“Game? Oh yeah… we’re up, right?”

This dad rolls in with a chair, a Yeti, and not a care in the world. He’s not here to coach, critique, or post videos—he’s here to chill. He’s seen enough baseball to know when it matters and when it doesn’t (hint: it’s usually 12U and under).

He’s probably grilling between games. He’s everyone’s favorite—until you realize he hasn’t washed his kid’s jersey in a month.

You might be this dad if:

  • You’ve tailgated a doubleheader

  • You bring beer koozies… just in case

  • You once fell asleep during a pitching change and don’t regret it

Signature move: Nodding silently while sipping from a tumbler you swear is just Gatorade.

⚾ BONUS: The Full-On Travel Ball Dad Monster

A toxic blend of Washed-Up Legend, Bleacher Hawk, and Gearhead.

Owns a radar gun, a Bluetooth speaker, 6 pairs of Oakleys, and a short fuse. Complains about tournament fees while actively Venmo-ing a hitting coach.

Thinks D1 offers happen at 10U. They don’t.

👀 So… Which One Are You?

You already know. Or your wife does—and she’s sent this to you for a reason.

Drop your type in the comments… if you’re brave. And tag the guy from your team who definitely calls his kid “Big Dog” in public.

Related Posts